'Matchbox: The Movie' review: John Cena goes nuclear for his friends
Should we check in to see how the movie business is doing? Matchbox: The Movie (yes that is a very real title of a very real "work of art") acts as a bellwether for what's to come, whether you like it or not. In this action comedy based on toy company Mattel's brand of the same name, John Cena stars as Sean Walker, presumably because "Runner" stocks are trending downward these days. Sean is a spy *shocked expression* who returns to his hometown after a mission and reconnects with his childhood friends Aimee (Jessica Biel), whom he has always had a crush on; Charmaine (Teyonah Parris) and Crosby (Sam Richardson) who have since gotten together; and Ted (Arturo Castro) who has also found the love of his life. However, Sean has found enemies and so the group gets implicated in a theft of nuclear weapons when they're kidnapped. Naturally, the quintet must break free, clear their names, travel the world and save lives.
Matchbox: The Movie is yet another assembly line product from another group of fascist oligarchs, swapping the names but retaining its affection towards white leads who are either spies, soldiers, aspiring spies or regular folks with a natural knack for spycraft (or a mix of two like Sean here). They usually like to travel (nationally or internationally), quip, dress up, point guns and save their loved ones. 'Ghosted', 'Heart Of Stone', 'Fountain Of Youth' and 'The Family Plan' flicks are just a tip of the iceberg. If you're lucky, you sometimes get an enjoyable element thrown in, but more often than not, you're walking in a pit of negative aura, as the youth would say.
For what it's worth, "MTM" has some things that most don't, those being a really deft stunt crew and an equally competent director of action in Sam Hargrave who also plays the role of Crew Chief Grizz. The action doesn't have much meaning, but it is varying, technically impressive, comprehensible and dynamic, plus it is shot, edited (Dirk Westervelt) and accentuated with SFX and VFX (supervised by Bjørn Mayer, produced by Magdalena Wolf) with a clear vision in mind so you do lean in occasionally. Still, some of it gets undermined by plot armour and a desperate need for faux delight.
On that note, neither Hargrave nor screenwriter David Coggeshall demonstrates much aptitude when it comes to dynamism in scenes or moments that don't involve stunts. The film fits very well in its specific peer group of action comedies since it drops the ball on the comedy front. That tends to be pretty disastrous when it's 50% of your own mission. The physical comedy isn't clever or funny because it's only used to create action set pieces. There's also a supposedly funny fakeout that falls completely flat. Most of the pop culture references are used to advertise its production company's "assets". The dialogue often reiterates the plot. Worst of all, most of the so-called jokes are just "Did you just say blank?" in different fonts. It's painfully stale stuff. There may have been one solid bit, to be fair, but the whole project is too forgettable to remember what it was.
Coggeshall and his cohorts also don't realise that these types of films require compelling characters and relationships, which would give the actors something to be inspired by and make us care about their journeys. Sadly, pretty much everyone here is flat as a pancake and therefore the acting isn't much better. Exemplifying this is the nonexistent spark between Aimee and Sean—I guess all the heat was reserved for explosions. As a result, Biel is rather dull and Cena is out of his depth trying to make something out of nothing. Out of the entire cast, only Golshifteh Farahani (as Robbie) injects a little bit of flair into the film when she waltzes in. Other people show up and disappear like farts in Sahara, making zero impact.
Because of this banality and because the movie decides to turn the entire friend group into superheroes in its mind-numbing final act, MTM's attempts at tapping into love, the power of friendship and heroism are disastrous. Making matters worse is the fact that the entire thing is accompanied by a comatose musical score (by Alex Belcher), which is a recurring flaw in these bland spy pictures. It isn't just missing the sense of adventure, but the music is also awfully heavy-handed and generic during dramatic scenes. There's a point where even the captions say something like "inspiring music plays" and it's the only moment where you burst out laughing. Not because the film remembers that it's a comedy, but because it is just that desperate.
Would you believe me when I say that this is the most important film out right now? Why? Because it demonstrates that the future of Hollywood movies is unbelievably bleak. Dear reader, we might be doomed.
Smileys: Stunt choreography
Frowneys: Characterisation, story, humour, score
I guess we've gone from dehydrated pee to slightly dehydrated pee as far as some of the colour grading goes. Progress is progress.
1.0/5
Where to watch:
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