'Fountain Of Youth' review: John Krasinski & Natalie Portman could use a nice, warm bath

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Can you imagine anything more relaxing than getting home from your customer service job where you've had to deal with the worst kind of people all day long and sitting down to enjoy some good ol' cinema where you have to spend time with the worst kind of people? Fountain Of Youth comes from director Guy Ritchie and screenwriter James Vanderbilt, and it'll take you around the world in the company of archaeologist and thieving treasure hunter Luke Purdue (John Krasinski) as well as his sister, art curator Charlotte (Natalie Portman). All roads lead to an adventure as the siblings eventually team up to unearth the titular fountain, following clues left by their dead dad.

But they're not alone on this mission, of course, as their team includes soon-to-be-dying billionaire Owen Carver (Domnhall Gleeson), Patrick Murphy (Laz Alonso) and Deb McCall (Carmen Ejogo), before their joined by Charlotte's prodigious son Thomas (Benjamin Chivers), whilst Luke is contending against a mysterious operative named Esme (Eiza González) and pursued by Interpol inspector Jamal Abbas (Arian Moayed).

What Ritchie and his collaborators have cooked up here is a fairly basic action adventure and they certainly thrust you straight into the action bit with a vehicle chase set in Bangkok and a fight scene in a train when Luke and Esme first come head-to-head. On that front, Fountain Of Youth offers you pretty standard material if you're familiar with the director's output; it's all competently choreographed and performed by the stunt team, captured by cinematographer Ed Wild and cut together by editor James Herbert, but none of it is something that you'll remember a few weeks from now. There is one inventive sequence inside a resurfaced shipwreck, brought to life by production designer Martyn John, that is pleasing to the eye since it mixes practical and digital filmmaking in cool ways while featuring some decent stunts and banter as well.

Too bad that a sequence like that is like finding an oasis—fittingly since we're surrounded by water—in the desert, which we also come across later. The rest of the journey is coarse and rough as the adventure part of the film is utterly tedious because there's really not an ounce of personality that runs through the movie's veins. Everything regarding the story and Vanderbilt's writing has been done in movies that have come before, except oftentimes much better so this specific project isn't even a well-executed formula exercise. And it doesn't help that the characters keep repeating the word "adventure" as if that makes the trip feel like one (spoiler alert: it doesn't).

Said lack of personality is also notable when it comes to the characters and actors portraying them. Luke especially is a complete washout as a main protagonist since despite the filmmakers' intention to paint him as a charming, wise-cracking hero, he manages to take the word "ick" to the next level. Nothing says sexy, lovable archaeologist-hunk like using chloroform to knock out women, describing things as "exotic", failing to make people laugh at every turn, using private jets that totally don't help to destroy our planet that possesses all these treasures, mansplaining every single thing or making fun of someone speaking to you in their non-native language. It takes about two minutes for you to loathe this guy so you're waiting for the film to catch up. Sadly, you realise later on that the movie wants everyone to like him. The tease of a romance towards the end is one of the most cringeworthy things you'll see on screen this year.

Krasinski not having juice of any particular flavour makes it all even tougher to get through and it's rather mystifying how he was chosen to lead the charge here. In his recent projects, Ritchie has definitely struggled to get decent acting out of his actors and comedic beats don't seem to be in his wheelhouse either, but an actor like Krasinski who doesn't seem to have much range playing a character like Luke just accentuates those thuds. Portman is trying really hard to carry the weight in every scene by possessing some sense of drama and Moyaed is the only one making some fun choices with his body language and line deliveries so you just end up wondering why they aren't the main protagonist instead. Stanley Tucci (as Esme's associate "The Elder") once again phoning it in and a stiff child performance are other missteps on Ritchie's performance report.

Once you reach the grand finale that at least has some sort of visual theatrics when the characters get to their discovery, it doesn't feel all that wondrous because the buildup is just way too banal. You're just stuck in this desert with horribly stale characters, mostly second-rate acting and filmmaking, and a story that never warrants your attention. One's time is better spent applying for a restraining order that will prevent Luke Purdue getting anywhere near you. Getting one of those might actually make life worth living once again, even if you will still face the horrors of aging.

Smileys: Nothing stands out

Frowneys: Characterisation, humour, originality

Actually, living forever seems like a lot when two hours can be this exhausting.

1.5/5

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